My Friends Talking About Cars / Me Who Know Nothing About Cars
Do You Trust Me? / Me Taking A Shit / With Every Cell Of My Body.
Me every time I make a new friend / Look at me. / I’m your meme dealer now.
Me choosing the content of my PowerPoint / Me choosing the right font, slide animations and background colour
Just a dragon planting cabbages and watering them with his tears, you know / Doing what dragons fucking do
Guys I’m totally gonna prank my boyfriend today, he got no idea / Invisible cameraman recording everything in 4K
I Will Guess Your Age Based On Only One Question:/How Old Are You?
I Make Fun Of Myself As A Joke / People Start To Agree With Me
Me: *Does something stupid* / I hope no one saw me do that / Also me: *Texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
When I know things but I can’t say anything / Because of the way I found out
How I Spend My Time During A Test / Answering Questions / Trying To Figure Out What Grade I’d Get If I Gave Up And Handed It In Now
Friend: “You gonna hop online?” / Me: “Yeah one sec, the games updating.” / Friend: “Well, hurry up.” / Me: / *Waits faster*
Me: *Closes notebook/book a little too hard* / The papers on my desk:
A Well Structured Argument To Defeat A Stranger On The Internet / Anime Profile Picture
You spent our entire life savings on dogs! / They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us.
My friends: You should come out with us tonight! / Me, already showered and in bed:
Yeah Sorry For The Mess I Didnt Expect Guests
Why I want to work for your company / True / My pet/kid deserves nice things. / You pay well, and I don’t like being poor. / A friend told me working here isn’t terrible. / It’ll be easy to explain to my family at events. / Your company name looks good on a resumé. / I heard y’all have free snacks. / I’m so “passionate” about your mission. / False
What I mean when I say “I’ll let you know” / In conclusion, I ain’t coming
Slept very poorly last night. / And to make matters worse, as a weird coincidence everyone was being annoying today
Shit Happens But You Got Used To It
Plants at Lowe’s:/We’re dead! We’re dead!/Plants when I bring them home:/We survived but we’re dead!
When your password’s so good that you forget it yourself:
Boss: I ordered a bunch of pizzas to the office so we could work through lunch / What’s the opposite of “thank you”?