My hemorrhoid watching me put hot sauce on my pizza
Modern haircut inspiration
Me takes a bite of a burger / The burger
Me protecting me from me
Me looking for a new car in gta after destroying the 15th one i stole
Me letting a small change in plans ruin my whole mood and make me go silent for an hour
I know this gonna bother someone
When you guess the note correctly after 11 wrong attempts / Perfekt peetch
Me explaining the entire plot of a movie I watched 10 years ago / Me forgetting why I walked into the kitchen
Expectation / Reality
Cashier your receipt’s in the bag / Me you too / Cashier
Bridge was invented in 130 B.C / People in 131 B.C / Toss me
Being so bored you make ur own friends/Aw man they left
Me adding the little piece of lime to my drink which is 97% vodka / I am healthcare
50 Nerds of Grey / If you took all your DNA straightened it out and put it end to end it would stretch to Jupiter and back 10x over / You are neither small nor insignificant You’re just very well folded
You are good enough / Actually you’re probably overqualified but let’s stay humble here
Work we need this report ASAP please / Me rattlesnake lol
When you and your best friend are single / Hey honey / Hey sweetie
The risk I took was calculated / But heck I’m bad at maths
The four stages of waking up every morning
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money / Me
Starting an evil play through of a game / This is where the fun begins / When I commit my first evil act / What have I done
Someone says That won’t work / Me after it works
Selling my old camouflage gear. / Serious offers only, no time wasters.