When it’s bath time / When it’s nail trim day / When the vacuum cleaner appears / When the cheese wrapper crinkles
People think crows and ravens are omens of darkness and evil / Crows and ravens
Joe / @mutablejoe / The idea that the ideal beach body just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw arm flaps to act as a windbreak and a sand repellent anus
When you’re finally feeling motivated to go out after days of isolation but suddenly it starts raining
Men when you sit on your wallet just know it’s really bad for your spine / I wish my wallet was thick enough to cause me some back problems
When you open Outlook to see what fresh nonsense you get to deal with today.
You beat the final boss the boss music ends / Then the boss music starts up again but faster
Co-worker you always look so angry and unapproachable / Me yet here you are
When your team is trash but you still have fun playing / Loraas recycle
Guys, what’s a random scam you pulled off at work? / A client once found our 30 page report too long. So I reduced the font size by 2 points and the report was 22 pages. He saw it and was like guys this is fantastic
Phteven / @PhriendlyCody / Skydiving instructor were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute / Me wearing a hat with a little propeller on top just trust me
Jon / 50 Nerds of Grey / Every day I wake up and immediately read hundreds of opinions from the most insane stupid people in the world and then wonder why I’m in a bad mood all day
For those who can’t tell the difference between a crow and a raven / The raven is the one looking at the crow
When the entire AA meeting starts yelling cause you brought a 24pk of beer but you’re just a chill guy who likes to drink with his friends
Spring affirmations banana slug edition / Put my best well only foot forward / Keep fertilizing the forest / Cardio goal 6 inches a minute / Dead leaves are delish
Me throws a paper ball towards the dustbin / Teacher don’t throw stuff around the classroom / Paper ball goes in / Teacher / It is / Acceptable
Me drinks one sip of coffee / My bladder / Full / Full
Mario games teach us that even if something is essentially the same psychologically it can be completely different / This example is very easy to understand
I want to be stupid rich / I’m halfway there because / I’m already stupid
I don’t know what religion this is / But I’m interested
Do I have time to get coffee/Yes/No/Good/Oh well doing it anyway
Buying these oven gloves so that I can say / I made this with my bear hands
I admire people who do exercise with no music / Like you are putting your body in pain while being alone with your thoughts thats double torture / Anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someones death
A spoon’s only objective in life is to make soup go upwards and it knows this / That’s why when you put one under a running tap it blasts the water way high / The spoon thinks there’s suddenly tons of soup to deal with and it freaks out