My Therapist: We Need To Talk About Your Childhood / My Brain: / No Memories Today / Thanks For Stopping By. There Aren’t Any Memories To See Today, But We’ll Let You Know When You Have Some To Look Back On.
One day I was born. / Then everything bothered me. / And that brings us up to date.
Real Friends Talk Shit To Your Face / And Say Nice Thing’s Behind Your Back
People when they break glass in real life / People when they break glass in Marvel’s movies
Computer Boots Up / Passed 7 Hours Stress Test / Passed 2 Hours Of Intense Gaming Loads / 2 Days Later While Playing Fucking Stardew Valley: / 🙁 / Your PC Ran Into A Problem And Needs To Restart. We’re Just Collecting Some Error Info, And Then We’ll Restart For You. / 20% Complete
Parents: Go clean up your room / Me: Later
My Friends Talking About Cars / Me Who Know Nothing About Cars
Do You Trust Me? / Me Taking A Shit / With Every Cell Of My Body.
Me every time I make a new friend / Look at me. / I’m your meme dealer now.
Me choosing the content of my PowerPoint / Me choosing the right font, slide animations and background colour
Just a dragon planting cabbages and watering them with his tears, you know / Doing what dragons fucking do
Guys I’m totally gonna prank my boyfriend today, he got no idea / Invisible cameraman recording everything in 4K
I Will Guess Your Age Based On Only One Question:/How Old Are You?
I Make Fun Of Myself As A Joke / People Start To Agree With Me
Me: *Does something stupid* / I hope no one saw me do that / Also me: *Texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
When I know things but I can’t say anything / Because of the way I found out
How I Spend My Time During A Test / Answering Questions / Trying To Figure Out What Grade I’d Get If I Gave Up And Handed It In Now
Friend: “You gonna hop online?” / Me: “Yeah one sec, the games updating.” / Friend: “Well, hurry up.” / Me: / *Waits faster*
Me: *Closes notebook/book a little too hard* / The papers on my desk:
A Well Structured Argument To Defeat A Stranger On The Internet / Anime Profile Picture
You spent our entire life savings on dogs! / They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us.
My friends: You should come out with us tonight! / Me, already showered and in bed:
Yeah Sorry For The Mess I Didnt Expect Guests
Why I want to work for your company / True / My pet/kid deserves nice things. / You pay well, and I don’t like being poor. / A friend told me working here isn’t terrible. / It’ll be easy to explain to my family at events. / Your company name looks good on a resumé. / I heard y’all have free snacks. / I’m so “passionate” about your mission. / False