Me Right After Clocking In:/Dang… I Kinda Want To Leave
The Friendship / Me If I Don’t Text Or Talk First
Life Getting Stressful I Had To Lego
Let’s Go Play In Traffic / Yay
If you took all your DNA, straightened it out, and put it end-to-end, it would stretch to Jupiter and back 10x over. / You are neither small nor insignificant. / You’re just very well folded.
I Left My Front Door Open And My Roomba Just Went Out And I Can’t Find It. / What Are The Consequences Of This. / It Has No Natural Predators. / Blend In With The Humans
I Meet Someone / We Talk / I Detail The Eternity Of Torment I Have Planned For Their Weak, Pitiful Flesh / They Solve My Puzzle Box, Banishing Me To Hell Again
Me:/Hello darkness my old friend/2 days later…/Lol sorry just saw this
Gamblers trolly problem / Fun fact! 99% of gamblers quit right before they’re about to win big! / This box has a 99% chance to contain a person, 1% chance to be empty / This box has a 50% chance to contain 5 people, and a 50% chance to contain nothing.
First Pokémon To Be Defeated Must Have Been Like:
Every morning when I look in the mirror:/I suppose we are both disappointments.
Friend: Yo, can I have a piece of your foo-/Me:
POV: A toddler offers to share their snack with you.
Me: Hey! You Wanna Play Basketball? / My Friend: Sure. Where Do You Want To Play? / Me: / Basketball Court Of Death
You Are Not A Machine / Your best / Your best / Your best / Your best / Your best / Your best / Your “Best” Will Look Different Each Day / And That’s Totally Okay!
When You Eat A Very Delicious Meal
When you realize dog noses look like angry aliens
How That Second Wave Of Sleep Felt After Waking Up Too Early The First Time / Sarcasm
When you work above and beyond at your job and they reward you with more work / I am a victim of my own success.
The Thiccest Skateboard / $25
The Teachers Copy / What They Give You
That One Follower Who Likes Everything You Post
Mom: Son where are you going this weekend? / Me: / If I tell you what happens, it won’t happen.
There Are Two Reactions To Seeing Someone You Recognize In Public:/Or