Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control, I will be late
Right ear / Amsr with open-mouthed chewing / Left ear / Movie trailers 5x speed
When you’re high but also feeling productive / Can’t have dirty garbage
All my symptoms the second I walk into the doctor’s office
You drink lots of water to stay hydrated / I drink lots of water to miss work time by peeing / We are not the same
Did you know / According to scientists an X-ray of your face is really a picture of what you’ll look like in 150 years
Why can’t you just explode / Lol just go to work bitch
When you’re on notice period and the boss asks you to train your replacement / Sarcasm
When you’re banging before work still haven’t finished you’re already running late but you’re optimistic / Let’s go You have 1:40 to finish
When a small part of a song has been stuck in your head all day and you don’t know the lyrics so you can’t look it up
Hmm/Yes/The floor here is made out of cat
The fastest things in the world / Cheetah / Plane / Light / Student doing homework when the teacher is collecting them
The average person spends 7 years of their life lying awake in bed / Me being lazy af / You gotta bump those numbers up those are rookie numbers
Outdoor cats sometimes bring their humans birds or mice as gifts / With limited prey indoor cats bring a potato
My mom Where did you get that cat / Me It came with the sodas those cats are collectibles
My mom and dad debating whether I should go to public school or private school / Me who is waiting for the letter from Hogwarts
My brain with the lights off / Turning on the LEDS in my head to impress friends / Using my head as a flashlight to find my phone / Shooting stars out of my head to illuminate the path in front of me
0.01% Bacteria / Me washing my hands twice / 0.000001% Bacteria / Me
Me trying to decide which friend I should hang out with today
Me lying awake in bed thinking about all the interesting productive things I could have done today if I wasnt such a lazy moron
Me celebrating birthday in my teen years / Me celebrating birthday in my 30s realising that I still have a lot of time ahead to turn my life around
Me at 2am imagining myself having a cute girlfriend and a healthy relationship with other people
Yeah I’m the guy from the warning signs / Yeah all of them / I experienced every single one of them from being cut to grinded to electrocuted / And if you must know I enjoyed all of it / Deeply
I will enjoy my weekend to the fullest / Saturday / Sunday / What a good weekend now for another week